When someone you love hurts you, it can be very difficult to know how to react. It’s common to be confused or numb at first, or even feel angry.
But eventually, as you navigate your feelings, you’ll probably reach a place where you either give up on them completely or forgive the person and work on the relationship again.
In those moments, you don’t know what to do when you are hurt by someone you love. And it’s hard to think of anything other than how that person has hurt your feelings. It’s much harder, though, to take a step back and understand why the other person behaved that way.
In fact, when you take the time to analyze the situation you’ll be better prepared to take care of yourself — and, just as importantly, you’ll be able to make better choices in the future.
Recommended reading for you: What to say to someone who has hurt you deeply? (Complete guide with examples)
Why do we hurt the ones we love?
Why do people hurt each other? And Why do we hurt the ones we love the most? It’s a question that’s bound to stay in our psyches forever, but psychologists and philosophers have weighed in on the answer, offering a variety of perspectives.
Much of human behavior is based on our biological needs and emotions. Bowlby argued that our basic emotions — such as love, hate, and fear — regulate our behavior.
We need love and without it, we fall apart. When we’re young, our need for love is huge. We’re looking for connection, and it feels magical.
We all hurt other people. Unfortunately, our ability to do so is often limited by our own understanding of the relationship and the circumstances that brought us together in the first place.
Sometimes people are cruel because they have been hurt in the past. Sometimes they hurt others because that’s how they learned to hurt themselves. Other times, people hurt others because they don’t know how to love themselves.
We hurt people because, at some point, we believed that the other person was capable of loving us, but they weren’t.
We hurt people because of our personality, temperament, psychological disorders.
We hurt the ones we love the most for our own selfish reasons.
What to do when you are hurt by someone you love?
When you are hurt by someone you love, instead of reacting, understand why that person behaved in such a way and analyze their behavior.
When you know the reasons behind their reaction, there’s less need to react. You can control how you react to their actions.
For example, if your significant other lashes out on you for no reason after reaching home, find out why. Maybe they had a bad day at work. Maybe they were taking someone else’s anger on you.
That’s what often loved ones do. Some of us have very aggressive personalities. We don’t often know how to manage our temperaments. So, we take that anger on our loved ones to make ourselves feel good.
Because suppressed anger is more toxic and impacts more on relationships. So, sometimes it’s good to take out the anger at least on our loved ones.
This way you can change your perspective and make yourself unaffected when someone hurts you over and over, instead of being resentful towards them.
If you received a hurtful text message from your boyfriend/girlfriend, instead of getting upset, ask yourself why. On the positive side, maybe they are dealing with some psychological issues and on the negative side maybe they intentionally want to hurt you for some evil reasons.
Once you analyze the root problem of the issue and understand why they’re behaving the way they do, you can then respond consciously.
By asking “why” you also understand their actions. Maybe they’re being rude on purpose. Maybe they’re feeling pressure at work. Once you understand the reasons for their behavior, you can better assess the situation.
When someone tries to hurt your feelings, it’s important to not respond in kind. Instead, start by asking yourself these questions:
—> Why am I hurt?
—> Why did the other person hurt me?
—> What were my expectations of the other person?
—> What did I want from the other person?
—> What did the other person want from or from me?
—> What were my roles in our relationship?
—> What did I do to contribute to his/her actions?
—> What did I do to make the situation worse?
—> How to make myself better to be unaffected by their ignorance?
—> How to make them realize their mistakes?
—> What’s the better approach to deal with this hurt?
How to deal with being hurt by someone you love?
It’s difficult to be hurt by someone you love. When we love someone, we want what’s best for them. And when we hurt them, we hurt ourselves.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, it can feel very painful. If you are hurt by someone you love, it’s important to work through your feelings, because being hurt, angry, or sad will negatively impact your physical and psychological health.
But, while it is easy to feel those things, it’s another completely to feel resentful, jealous, and vengeful.
When you find that someone you love has hurt you, it is important to remember two things:
1.) You are not responsible for another person’s actions.
What is done is done. It’s easy to feel responsible for another’s actions. But, you are only responsible for your own. Just because someone did something, doesn’t mean you were responsible for it, or that you are responsible for it. But, it completely depends on how you respond to the situation without allowing their words or actions to affect you.
2.) Everything happens for a reason
Life is full of lessons. When something bad happens, it can be tempting to look at the situation and think that it’s unfair or unexpected. But, while bad things happen, they are never “unexpected.”
Everything that happens to you, or the decisions you make, has a reason. Your decisions don’t have perfect outcomes, but they always have outcomes.
You are not responsible for the other person’s actions, but you are responsible for your own. That means, you are not responsible for their outcome, but you are responsible for your own.
So, when someone you love hurts you intentionally or ignorantly, it’s their responsibility to be aware of how their behavior is running their loved ones’ mental health. And act as soon as possible to fix their actions before damaging the relationships.
10 ways to deal when you are hurt by someone you love
1. Don’t take it personally.
Don’t take the words or actions of the person you love to your heart. Don’t take it out on your partner. Don’t criticize your partner or blame them for your hurt. This will only hurt both of you and increase conflicts in your relationship.
If you can’t excuse the person, it’s okay. It’s normal to feel anger or resentment. You can’t heal from a painful situation until you acknowledge it and work through it.
2. Don’t let your emotions affect your decisions.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, it’s natural to feel hurt, betrayed, and angry. We sometimes forget that love has two sides. Sometimes, we have to love someone through a difficult period.
When you’re hurt, your emotions will rule you. You may feel helpless, angry, or sad. You may be tempted to withdraw or lash out, but hurting back will only make things worse.
Make a list of the feelings you’re experiencing and write down what you’re feeling and why. If it helps, write down a list of what you’re feeling and why. So that you can see the situation from a rational mind instead of being completely emotional.
3. Communicate what you feel.
Don’t sabotage yourself with self-obsessive thoughts. Instead of over-analyzing everything, take action and do something about the problem.
The best way is to communicate with the person. It is important that you do something to deal with the hurt you are feeling. Whether it is forgiving the person or accepting yourself, it is important that you express what you feel and how he/she affecting your mental health.
4. Give it some time.
Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling. Give yourself the time you need to heal.
Get some perspective. Sometimes it helps to step back from the situation and look at it from a wider perspective. If you’ve been hurt by someone you love, it might help to remember that most people experience similar pain. Pain is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to define you.
If you give it some time, perhaps there are chances that the person will realize his/her mistakes and make an effort to apologize for their ignorance.
5. Realize that you are not alone and talk to a trusted person.
You may feel like no one understands your hurt feelings, but lots of people feel the same way and go through similar emotional pain. In, relationships it’s more common. Just remember, these situations will guide you to become a better person.
Also, it is always important that you talk to someone you trust. Your friend might be able to help you see things from a different perspective. And be able to help you deal with your thoughts and doubts.
6. Focus on self-care.
Take steps to care for yourself. Take care of your needs. Take care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Don’t push away your friends or family members who support and help you.
Work on yourself first. To work through your feelings, it’s necessary to be open and honest with yourself and your loved one. Once you understand why that person hurt you, you can start to heal.
7. Be kind
Be kind. Instead of judging the person, try to be kind. Show him/her love and understanding. Try to let them know that you understand where they are coming from, and that empathize with them. If they return to you, show them love and care. Just be who you are. But never let their actions turn you wild.
8. Forgive.
Forgiveness is an act of courage. It’s an act of love. It’s the most powerful healing tool you have. Understand that you have the power to change the person who hurts you. You can forgive, but you don’t have to forget. You don’t have to stay in a toxic relationship.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone the behavior, but it doesn’t mean that you have to allow yourself to be victimized again.
9. Be resilient.
Sometimes, hurt people can hurt back. If they hurt you again, be strong and don’t let them win. Don’t be completely submissive and don’t let them dominate or control your life. Show them you will not let them hurt you again.
10. Bounce Back.
It is important that you get yourself back. If a loved one hurts you, it is important that you get back up. Learn from the past. Look back and recognize your mistakes. Look for a way to change or improve yourself. Bounce back from the grief and emotional pain to make yourself whole again.
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