Last updated on February 24th, 2021 at 10:42 am
Short Sad Love Story - "Pain is my answer."
At a certain point in time, we all miss our beloveds either when they are alive or dead. But in my case, it is even worse; fate hit me hard with an ugly truth when I was not ready for it – I had been forced to experience the duality of existence at once and never had a chance to come out of it and probably never will.
They say life is a battlefield; I didn’t quite get it until it was the end of 2019 fall and the beginning of 2020 winters. This duration was the most aching moment of my life that took me back to my roots and reminded me who I really am.
The day is Sunday, December 22, 2019, the last day of fall, which unfortunately became the final day for my two soul mates – one is my master who gave me a second life to cherish and the other is his young and beautiful daughter Faya who gave me a reason to love until I perish.
Faya’s father – A man of faith whom I address as Master for his ingenious truth and honesty. He says I was adopted by him when a heartless mother abandoned me to the ghosts of autumn 1998 cold nights. Also, he mentions, I was just 3 days old, new-born child; the night he found me and brought me to life; when the union of wild beasts began to feed on my rotten umbilical cord.
He hasn’t just given a second life but love and wisdom to survive.
There are days when I am at my lowest and think about the source of my sadness; to make me feel contented, he weaves the tales of my birth to each believer and every folk who is passing by our home; that I am the child of destiny who sucked the breasts of the lone wolf and survived for three long nights under the protection of my ancestor spirits.
Now there is no presence of him, neither his legendary tales to share nor his courage to inspire me. The tragedy of his death is still a question for life.
That day in the midst of chaotic mist he went into the woods with full life and returned with nothing but death. By witnessing her father’s lifeless state, my beloved Faya’s gentle heart couldn’t come out of the shock and her breath stuck in that fall, and she too left her body after hours of fighting with paralysis.
How wicked the life is!
A single day seized my memories, moments and dreams; and consumed my whole life into its wretched abyss. I had no faith, no hope and no reason to look into myself anymore. The only connections which I built for 20 years left me alone and sent me back, where I belong. Perhaps, the tale is true that I belong to the ghosts of these mystical Indian lands.
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It’s been a year their souls left my companionship, I miss them more than my ghastly life. Every waking hour is becoming difficult to breathe, to carry such a burden on my chest. Sometimes I feel so lonely as if there is no one in this world and nothing to get rid of this loneliness. Sometimes I feel like I am mourning for my own death. And waits for some unknown forces to wake me up from this ceaseless nightmare.
Yet, other times I come to my senses and somehow listen to my instincts and recollect the wisdom of my master; and the love of my beloved Faya; and gather courage from the spirits of my ancestors’ to find a reason, to move on through the passage of these endless storms.
Each day seems like a thousand heavy nights, in these darkest hours my soul has grown so quick and brought order to the events. Eventually, I realized that we grow in less time when we slow down the process. Within no time I also learned that we rather grow so deep in less span when we change nothing but ourselves.
There is no right time than the time that proves we are wrong on certain things. And I was wrong almost all of my life believing that happiness is the goal. Freedom is ultimate and so on. There is no ultimate aim for anything. There is only the process to anything and everything else. Life is a cycle, it begins at one stage and ends at the other; and continues with its endless cyclical incarnations.
It took 2 valuable lives from me to expand into this awareness. All my life, I was raised with the idea of beauty in a different way. So far, I have seen life through people’s eyes. But now, the struggles made me something that easy life might never will. Some part of my life, I didn’t choose it, it just happened to me. Despite everything, It made me a human. It made me a being. It made me how to ‘be.’
It made me who I am because I discovered a better path and created a better version of my former self. Irrespective of what my past, present and future hold in them! If fate didn’t hit me hard, I wouldn’t have found my true self.
Many of us mistake suffering for sadness. Suffering is a choice but none can avoid. It’s nature’s innate process. In fact, a few things we don’t have the power to stop. For instance, it’s not in my control to halt the death of my beloved people. But I had a choice to alter my thought process and find meaning in each existence. We only have the will to choose our suffering consciously. In order to advance our journey to its utmost consciousness.
Although how far I heaved my life’s cart, but in the end, suffering made me better. Because it is the part of the phenomenon which clears the dark haze from our masked fate and bring light into the bright future.
However, how many times’ life hit me, my sad love story didn’t break me down. I always had a reason to smile. When I feel sad, I look at nature and everything appears perfect, the randomness of death and the coincidence of life. I see everything with a hyper perception. I have no words to express what I see, but a heart to feel the essence. Everything is beautiful. The songs of the birds, the smiles of the flowers, the whispers of the spirits, and the music of the souls.
Every rhythm is in sync with every horizon. And I am here in the centre of the cosmos embracing the rawness of manhood. Evaluating the changes within; elevating without support; evolving into the dust by finding the stability in my stillness, and understanding the unity and duality of the patterns all around my presence. I began to live now and here. Now my intent is to seek and in content with the process.
Whenever I want to laugh, I laugh but as the situation demands, I cry my heart out. Now I do everything, when it is necessary. Because I understand, it is life and life is a balance. Therefore, the only thing I want to share with my beloveds who are resonated with my life – Pain is my answer to every question – This is the battle of self vs consciousness. Keep the balance balanced, when the time comes, the clock stops and everything makes sense. But until then, better we suffer.
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